Female Viagra

I just heard the delicately worded news  that the world will soon see a new drug to stimulate arousal in women, a female Viagra so called. Now I remember clearly reading the press about the Blue Bomb when it first came out and my understanding is it only keeps a guy in a state of arousal by sort of shutting the tiny trap doors preventing the blood from flowing back out of where it needs to be; it doesn’t get the blood there in the first place. The guy is on his own for that, the articles said but lucky for the species, getting to where he’s thinking about sex is not generally a problem for its males.

The key piece of wisdom served up by those who study such things is this: men are aroused by visual cues, or information that comes in through the eyes. Like… Victoria’s Secret catalogs shall we say. With women though it’s a whole other thing and here’s the skinny on that: Women are aroused by verbal signals, that is by what you say to them. In other words dust off the sweet talk guys and if she wants you to sit in adjoining bathtubs sharing your feelings do it and the rest will follow. And, inside tip, never underestimate the number of points you get for pitching in with the housework!

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Some Cialis Please – Supersized for the Fat Girl

fat-lady-alone
You know you got fat when your rings, your bikini undies AND ALL YOUR BRAS are suddenly too tight. You know it when you look at yourself in the mirror from the back and think “Michelin Man.”

My question is What happened to that SYLPH from five years ago? Plus, where’s my black hair? What’s with this dry-mop the color of battery acid? and what’s with the mustache action all a sudden?

If I’m gonna like TURN INTO A MAN all I can say is, I want some Cialis. Now! And oh yeah, a wife to wash my giant clothes and do all my bending over.

Failing that, I’m off to Weight Watcher to liberate this poor girl (She’s under here somewhere!)

sittin-in-the-dock

Viva Viagra?

OK, you want to know why we resent you guys? We resent you because all the best creativity gets directed to your needs instead of ours. Take the names of the various sexual aids: YOU get a name like ‘Viagra’, which sounds like vitality with a little agriculture thrown to help sow those life-givin’ oats of yours. You get ‘Levitra,’ a name deriving from the Latin word for ‘rise’. I see the Levitra ads and all I can think of is the ladder on a fire truck cranking slowly and sturdily upward. You get ‘Cialis’ which sounds like “See Alice,” because there’s just no TELLING what Alice might be moved to do in the face of your powerful display of manhood!

Now look at the names of the products they have for us. Is there a ‘Honey Blossom’? Or a ‘Heaven’s Gate’? Or a ‘Nectar of the Goddess”? No way babe. What they have for us is something called  ‘Vagifem’, a sipping straw-size syringe-like thingy that carries at its tip a tiny payload of estrogen to be catapulted boink! against the cervix and left there to do what it can do.

Vagifem, Gad! Can there BE a worse word?

Plus men also get perky jingles like the “Viva Viagra!” one. They get romantic commercials where chicks soaking in hot tubs reach out to link pinkies with these about-to-be-proven-tireless partners, commercials where some pliant gal with shoulder-length hair swoons prettily in the arms of her big strong man, EVEN THOUGH HE’S IN THE  POWDER-BLUE TUX HE WORE TO HIS PROM 30 YEARS AGO HAR-DE-HAR-HAR. Even at that he still seems not at all dorky but cool and fun and ironic, a life-of-the- party guy who’s not about to let a little e.d. get him down!

All this do guys get, and we get …….Vagifem –  and why? Because they think we’re lightweights? Sissies? Fems ourselves?  Just a bunch of fems with vaginas? And who named THAT body part you ask? Who but the men of Ancient Rome and guess what it means in Latin? It means “scabbard,” as in the sheath for a sword.

Yep, sheaths to their swords are our bodies to them, holsters to their little pistols, this part of us that is most complex and intricate through which all must travel to get here, this wondrous part named and defined strictly in relation to the male, walk-ins welcome,  step right up, open 24 hours a day, we’re here to serve ya.

I say we rename THEIR products with the same unromanticized bluntness and how’s this for starters:  How’s  ‘Penissimus Maximus’ and the slogan can be “It’s Scrotally Awesome”?