Holiday Slip ‘n Slides

stick_girl_falling_0515-1103-0322-3140_SMU (1)You forget about the Holiday downsides: The way you always plan too much. The way your eyeballs start jiggling the minute you get to the mall and see those kiosks filled with jokey T-shirts and giant bunny slippers. You THINK you’ll be fine and finish all the holiday tasks.  You’ll just get up a little earlier in the morning. You’ll just go to bed a little later at night. It’s all about efficiency, you tell yourself.

In the name of this efficiency I decided to brew my morning coffee one day last week right in the bathroom, to get that jolt of caffeine at the earliest possible moment.

I had my little pot all set up on the edge of the sink. It would brew while I took my bath. Brilliant! I thought.

I had tested the water temperature, dipped a toe in the tub and had just lowered myself into the hot suds when I realized I’d forgotten to press “Brew.”

No problem I thought.

I stood up looking like the Michelin Man in my coat of soap bubbles, stretched across the length of our wide old 1940s sink and then…lost my footing.  My whole upper body crashed down onto that rock-hard porcelain, causing the coffee pot to SHOOT off the sink and land in the toilet – but not before creating geysers of coffee grounds, which plastered themselves on the walls, the floor and even the ceiling.

That should have acted as a sign for me if I had eyes to see it. It should have been just the lesson I needed.

But no, I had no such eyes. And no, I heeded no lessons – with the result that a worse occurrence followed three days later when I leaped suddenly from our bed to assist my sick ‘roommate.’

It must have been something he ate that day, or maybe it was just one of those pesky stomach viruses that settle in and shiver your timbers for 24 hours.

Anyway, this roommate-slash-spouse felt suddenly sick around midnight and, on waking to realize that this was so, I vaulted from the bed and ran to the bathroom just as he had done.

Thinking to show support, see.

Only once in there, I found myself bouncing against the shower door.

Are you all right? I called to him in a faint voice.

Then I careened in the other direction and bounced off the sink.

This bathroom is two rooms, really, the larger one with the shower and sink in it and the other, far smaller one, with just the ‘facilities.’

That’s the room he’d been, until he heard my voice.

“What’s going on out here?” he said, emerging.

 “I’m not sure,” I said.

 He walked toward me. “You seem to be falling down,” he said.

“I think I’m falling down,” I said, amazed,  and I fainted and did fall, section by section, knees buckling, ankles turning to Silly Putty.

He grasped me under both arms as I dipped and swayed. “What do you want to do?” he said.

 “Just let me lie on this nice bathmat a while. “I’m fine,” I said.  “I love this bathmat,” I added.

I lay there for a good little spell while my roommate, feeling rather better for his ordeal, went back to bed.  

And it was as I lay there that a double realization came to me:

One, too much haste around the holidays really is ill-advised.

And two, have a nice soak in the tub or start pumping in the caffeine, but never, ever, ever try doing both at once.


12 thoughts on “Holiday Slip ‘n Slides

  1. I have been trained to supply the coffee prior to the Queens waking, thus saving her from such perilous gymnastics. I admire your ingenuity but suggest you exert your royal privilege and be served as you deserve.

  2. It was a good idea, but some refinements are needed. First find a table on which to place the coffee maker, then use the automatic setting. This will be fine for any day, not just the hassle of the holidays.
    Happy Holidays to you and yours.

    1. Sigh . I know you’re right. The coffee maker’s automatic function hasn’t worked in quite some time. Should I just go out and get another? I think maybe! Thanks “gram”!

  3. I tell myself: Never do anything in a hurry, otherwise, you will fall. Well, I was hurrying home the other night, dog attached to leash, when (you guessed it) I fell down. Landing on my elbow was not pleasant; however, being helped up by a handsome neighbor was almost worth it. Oh, oh – I bet I know what he was thinking: Poor old thing doesn’t know enough to stay home when the roads are icy. I hope you are OK after your several ordeals, including the post clean-up. It’s funny in the telling; not so funny when it occurs.

    1. I’m glad YOU’RE Ok too! On Tuesday I fell twice outside: sat down hard (ie fell) on that snow-over-ice we had that day and then fell again 15 yards farther in. Our obvious excellent reflexes keep us nimble Joan; they say recruit those stabilizer muscles in the hip as often as you can! (It’s why I do Zumba.)

  4. Glad you’re okay, Lucy. There are two parts to this that I like. One, that your hubs just left you lying on the bathmat and went back to bed indicating that this is not an usual occurrence in your household. The second was, that we now have some insight as to how Joan gets handsome men in her neighborhood to pick her up!

    1. Funny guy! David


      sick to his stomach for the next 24 hours so I wasn’t expecting much more – and yup it is NOT an unusual occurrence at all. Pratfalls by the score here! 🙂

  5. First off, I’m glad you’re not hurt. Secondly, how can I enjoy a story thinking you might have been killt. Third, and most important, electrical devices are best NOT left near the tub!
    O.K., now that that’s out of the way, I can giggle uncontrollably.
    I wish a Very Merry Christmas to you and your family ‘T’.

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