Change Now?

who asked me to hold up the worldThat’s it, I’m making some changes. I don’t WANT to feel like Sisyphus pushing the same rock up the same hill every day. (See yesterday’s.)  Back in ’08 when I began writing this blog in earnest, I said I would post every day and it was huge for me the first time I skipped a day. Who am I disappointing? was all I could think. I trained as teacher and began adult  life in the classroom. It would be like just not being there when the kids showed up. Eventually, though, I was given to understand that even famous bloggers take the weekend off, so I started doing that around last summer.

But then this last Sunday night I went to bed with nothing at all dreamed up for Monday morning’s post and I knew I couldn’t write it at 7 and put it up at 8. The morning hours for me have always been for the newspaper column that I’ve been writing since 1980 and I know if I start writing crummy columns, people WOULD be disappointed and they would be the editors of those newspapers and that would be the end of THAT career.

So now here I am wandering the house in my nightie between 6am and 7:00, watering the plants and looking at the sky and watching the small figures of commuters hurrying to catch the train into Boston.

It feels odd. It’s scary when you feel yourself changing.

For the the last ten years since our last child flew the nest I would write every day for two hours, THEN eat, THEN go to some damn gym at 9:00 in the morning.

It took me years to realize I was mostly sitting outside the gym, reading old Time magazines and writing in my diary, and on lucky days scribbling down sweet things I saw out my car window, like when a squirrel would sneeze, or one of those parochial-school girls would pause in the alley before going into the building to hike her skirt up a foot above the knee.

I got so I hated the gym, yet it took my years to cancer my membership. Even today if I never see another Nautilus machine it will be too soon.

Now I go to the Y. At 10am instead of 9am and it makes all the difference.

I still hurry right past even the treadmills and just do the dance classes. I look at the faces of the other ‘dancers, ’ all of them lit with the joy you get when you move to some music. Zumba alone!  Little did I think I could do those mambo moves, a stick-in-the-mud wonk like me who looked while dancing like one of the extras from The Walking Dead! Sped-up stumbling: that’s what my moves were.

I know I’ll keep going to the Y. God knows I need to keep moving, but beyond, that my days are  changing. I can feel another rhythm trying to get established.

Suddenly I just want to sit on that sunny window seat and read my book.

I want to write more notes to people going through hard times. I want to sit beside my husband and try to figure out from him what sanity feels like.

I don’t want to be writing bleak limericks in my head at 5am, wasting that first fresh hour of wakefulness just so some fool looking for dirty rhymes can happen upon my blog

Well, we’ll see if I can make the changes stick. I sure hope I can. It’s exhausting to be my brand of crazy.

11 thoughts on “Change Now?

  1. You are right to make this change. Close one door, another opens. I had 8 family members here for l0 days during the holidays, and I have been putting the house back in order. Gradually.. I decided I did not have to do it all at once, faithfully honoring someone’s command that work must trump pleasure. So it has taken me l0 days to accomplish the necessary laundry work, bed-making, washing floors, vacuuming, etc. I quit at noon, lunch, walk the dog, nap on the couch, read my book, “The Three Day Affair,” by Michael Kardos, his first novel. I figured it out. Almost. You just can’t trust a Princeton guy.

  2. you have never wasted an hour of your wakefulness, t. as high strung people, we have too much in our heads and too much to do and too much to share and too much to not to share. i was working on my list of things to do last week and was in a fury of doing this and that. all of a sudden i had to stop and sit, like you, in the sun and just be. even for a a few moments.
    it is exhausting, it is who we are and it sure is nice to go to the other side sometimes.
    i loved your limerick. :0)
    don’t go changin….

  3. Hi Terry, I know exactly what you mean. At 53 years old, I just started to notice a lot of things different about myself (physicalities exempted), and when I saw your post this morning, your truth struck me. It truly is scary to see yourself change. Thanks for the succinct interpretation of a complex condition. CJH

    1. I worry that my change has to do with aging since I’m ten years older than you, you youth. I worried that I might be turning into a lawn ornament, you know? Slowly petrifying… This makes me feel better Chris. I felt better the second I wrote the post because I named how I felt. Don’t we all need to do more of that !

  4. If that’s your brand of crazy, then I’m absolutley nuts!
    I get up on the days I don’t have to work and my mind is Bedlam! 10,000 ideas and no intention of acting on any of them. I still stop, look and wonder, but that’s about it.
    As long as your creative juices are still flowing, let ’em and don’t let time command your day.
    I loved your limerick!

    1. I know others ha ha 😉
      Not really. I’m the Julie Andrews of the content providers.
      I hope you still do community theatre anyway. Or a little more stand-up.
      I give public talks during which people laugh, then cry, then laugh again . This just happens I have no control over it. I believe it’s because I’m Irish
      Signed Terry Sheehy (until my wedding day back in the great era of bellbottoms and halter tops)

  5. Change is good, Terry. Thanks for putting it into perspective and sharing on your blog. I am making changes, too, including cleaning out this house after 36 years. It is feeling very good to purge after years of binging on too much stuff. Simplify, simplify is my new mantra….once I get through all the piles I’v accumulated!

  6. It may be a Buddhist saying that true peace is understanding I have – “no one to be, no where to go, nothing to do.” It’s another way of saying I don’t have to act a certain way, go to certain places or accomplish anything to be valuable. I impose these upon myself. To be truly at peace is the best gift I can give the world.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s