Ah the profit motive! What else could call forth such literary output? Our kids could be getting so they can’t read the big white letters spelling “JIF” on a jar of peanut butter, but you wouldn’t know it now: the Post Offices are all swamped with Letters to Santa.
Last year, one newspaper decided to print such letters, written by real-life kids. Taken together, they represent an outstanding effort, spelling errors and all. And, they come in several categories.
- First, we have the out-and-out Grabby Letter: “Dear Santa,” one begins. “How are your elves? I would like a new computer with, a new hard drive and the fastest Pentiu processor out there! Also, a Lazor printer, some Power Ranger action figures, and a dog (a real one). Also” – and here he moves into What-the-Hell-Ask-For-the-Moon-Mode – “a bigger bedroom, the most advanced watch there is, and a police car.”
- “And” – now we’re really moving way PAST What-the Hellville, “my own sattalight in space for clear TV, a homework pass, and some friends.” “Oh, and make sure you bring batteries,” he winds up. And my own cat.”
- While it may be hard to beat that one for naked greed, other interesting categories appear in other letters. For example, we also have:
- The Peer Pressure Letter (“Dear Santa: I want Power Wheels and a bike and my friends want it too. I know lots of kids that want a watch. I want one too. I know lots of kids that want Brain Quest. I want it too. People want baseball and basketball and football shirts. I know lots of kids that want cool tools…”)
- Then we have the Yay For Brand Names Letter (“Dear Santa: I want Baby Tumbles Surprise, Wedding Barbie, Stroller Fun by Mattel, Baby So Beautiful Dolls, Baby Looks So Real, and Patty and Her Play Pen.”
- Of course there’s also The Kiss-Up Letter (“Dear Santa: I like you, Santa! I like my Parents. Santa Claus is a good Santa, because he gives lots of presents. Santa, Don’t forget me. Santa is the best!”)
- And the This is a Test Letter (“Dear Santa: I want a jacket and a hat. I want a sterio. I want that tape, you oughtta know which one.”)
- There’s the Don’t Ask Letter: (“Dear Santa. I want my own movie theatre. Also a Junior Rector Set and a Vacuum.”) I say you take a vacuum, a rector set, and a proscenium arch, and all the world’s a stage, by golly!
- And the No, REALLY – Don’t Ask Letter (“Dear Santa: I want a Baby Tumbles, a Rosie Doll, and a sheep. I want to tell you a secret about going in the park.”)
- There’s the Throw Myself on the Mercy of The Court Letter (“Dear Santa: I am trying to be good this year. I am trying not to fight with my sister or my friends. Again, I am trying to be good!”)
- The If You Play Your Cards Right Letter (“Dear Santa: I hope you give me a workbench so I can make things and My Size Barbie. I love you and I might give you a present.”)
- And last but not least the This Kid is Really Out There Letter (Dear Santa: Can I please get the Power Ranger Zord? Not the Blue One, the One with the Red Arm. HI!!! And my olives, just like last year.”)
Poor Santa, trying to check off a planet’s worth of lists like these. Poor the-whole-lot-of-us, as my ancient Great Aunt Mame used to say, trying to help him do it. But no time for that now! The sheep and the rector set and the olives await us. Because it’s almost Christmas – and anything is possible!