And a Voice emerged from the crowd saying to the Prophet, “Speak to us of Speedos, Master!” And the Prophet answered saying,

“The person brought for the first time into the presence of the Speedo  at first startleth and turneth away, surprised at what a complicated structure hath been devised, not by the folks at Thpeedo, but by Nature herthelf. (Ack! Cough! There. That’s better.)

“Nature, Who causeth the mountains to shout to another over the plain and sometimes even throw rocks.

“Nature, Who maketh the trees to toss their long branches like unto crazed young girls at rock concerts, thus frightening the birds for hectares in all directions.

“Lo, even Nature,  Who hath devised the means for  the fat little birds to cling to their tree  branches, even while sleeping; which hath devised the means for The Great Large Birds With Funny Eyes to snatch The Rabbit from her clover dinner quicker than thou canst say ‘Holy Crap what was that?’

“On the body of Woman, the organs of increase are largely out of sight and yes, thanks very much the Prophet knoweth very well that he borroweth from Shakespeare when he uses that phrase. He also enjoys referring to himself in the third person and tough luck if thou dost not approve. (How many books hast thou sold? Serf?!)

“I tell you, Nature hath hidden The Woman’s complicated workings behind a magic curtain such as can be seen in the puppet shows on old Mister Rogers Neighborhood episodes. “But on THE MAN’S body it is a whole other thing:

On the body of MAN, it is All Right Out There In The Shop Window so to speak, and that being the case, this piece of men’s gear is just TRUTH IN ADVERTISING.

All these things have I said to you this day. Now please someone fetch me a beach towel. I believe I’ll Speedo up too and strut along the strand a bit myself.

10 thoughts on “Speedos!

  1. Is that old Kahlil Gibran? Anyway, thanks for this piece – it is so funny. And thanks also for the picture of the group at the end. As we used to say in the pre-war 40s: Hubba hubba!!

  2. Is this Chapter 2 of the Tights manifesto? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander(ing)…

  3. How well I remember my first encounter with a Speedo at the beach. I was only 8, maybe 9 and joined by my sisters and a couple of girlfriends….we couldn’t take our eyes off the wearer and were reprimanded by our friend’s dad, who, I think, was embarrassed by our girly giggles. The guy, on the other hand, was oblivious…years later we gave these swimsuits another name…we called them Bobby Balls suits…thanks for a funny column..

  4. Whether you call them speedos, grape smugglers or banana slings, some things are better left to the imagination, seriously! Hope you are well and enjoying your summer.

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