Landmine Holiday

I guess it’s never really the same old, same-old at the holiday.

It just seems that way to me when I drag out the decorations each year.

Here’s that spiky fake tree that looks like something out of a Tim Burton movie no matter how hard I try to get a graceful swoop into its crooked wire branches.

Here’s old Donut the Christmas doggy, still with a crater of black seared into his plushy thigh from that rogue Christmas tree bulb. I keep him as a reminder of what can happen.

Here are the battery-operated window candles that seemed like such a great idea when I bought them.

“Look. no more cords!” I sang happily to Old Dave as I carried them into the house.

But it turns out you still have to actually traipse around to every window to turn them on, dang it, and what if you’re away for the night? Any robbers, parked and lurking in their van, would know right away that you weren’t home and then what?

They’d come right in and steal all your presents and your Christmas doggy! Maybe even your window candles too (which might actually not be so bad since as it turns out they glow so dimly the only way anyone inside OR out can see them is if you turn off every other light in the house.)

~ Sigh. It’s such a production every year. And I sill haven’t bought the evergreens that I first tie to the banisters, then spend two hours festooning with strings of blinking white lights until you can’t pass up or down the stairs for fear of tripping on the wires. Maybe we should thing about installing a Mrs. Deagle-style ‘lift’ on the stairs to avoid tumbles entirely. (though remember the ride she got once the Gremlins entered her life? Its right here if you want to see it.

Every year Dave says the same thing to me when I come home with fresh decorations: “Just the essentials, eh T?”

It’s a reference to this scene from Dumb and Dumber, that great old Jeff Daniels/ Jim Carrey movie, where they’re broke, they have no jobs and the Jim Carrey character says he’s going shopping with the last of their money. The joke comes when the next shot shows him emerging from the store in a giant sombrero with two cases of beer, two pinwheels and a Bolo paddle. See?

It’s a fun scene and I believe it has given me a fresh idea to pursue later today – for  a South of the Border Christmas, complete with tiny cactus plants nestled in all the corners, hot peppers hung on the tree and a pair of giant maracas for keeping the beat!

That’s ‘maraca’ not ‘marcarena’, people. The macarena is a whole different thing.

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One thought on “Landmine Holiday

  1. Every year I ask the same question, Ter: “Do I have to do this again?” I’m glad you did so I could get the belly laughs your Xmas stories bring on; plus the laughs from the Seinfeld shorts you sent me to on UTube. Funniest show ever. The old lady flying out the second story window on her stair chair was good for a howl too. Thanks Ter, I needed that catharsis!

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