God’s Blog

If God posted on the internet: Paul Simms spun up this creative little piece of writing for The New Yorker a few months ago. It has God announcing His Creation and then a bunch of us moronic humans “commenting” in His work. It’s funny for how sweetly positive God sounds – and how pettily full of ourselves we humans are!

It starts with God talking:

“UPDATE: Pretty pleased with what I’ve come up with in just six days. Going to take tomorrow off. Feel free to check out what I’ve done so far. Suggestions and criticism (constructive, please!) more than welcome. God out.

(I love “God out! So jaunty. 🙂 ) 

And here are some of the so-called comments. The whole piece is available here if you like:   Enjoy this Saturday, Sabbath to many, and a kind of Sabbath to us all~!

  •  Not sure who this is for. Seems like a fix for a problem that didn’t exist. Liked it better when the earth was without form, and void, and darkness was on the face of the deep.
  • Going carbon-based for the life-forms seems a tad obvious, no?
  • The creeping things that creepeth over the earth are gross.
  • Not enough action. Needs more conflict. Maybe put in a whole bunch more people, limit the resources, and see if we can get some fights going. Give them different skin colors so they can tell each other apart. 
  • Why are the creatures more or less symmetrical on a vertical axis but completely asymmetrical on a horizontal axis? It’s almost like You had a great idea but You didn’t have the balls to go all the way with it.
  • Amoebas are too small to see. They should be at least the size of a plum.
  • Beta version was better. I thought the Adam-Steve dynamic was much more compelling than the Adam-Eve work-around You finally settled on.
  • SPOILER! One of them is going to eat something off that tree You told them not to touch.
  • Adam was obviously created somewhere else and then just put here. So, until I see some paperwork proving otherwise, I question the legitimacy of his dominion over any of this.
  • Unfocussed. Seems like a mishmash at best. You’ve got creatures that can speak but aren’t smart (parrots). Then, You’ve got creatures that are smart but can’t speak (dolphins, dogs, houseflies). Then, You’ve got man, who is smart and can speak but who can’t fly, breathe underwater, or unhinge his jaws to swallow large prey in one gulp. If it’s supposed to be chaos, then mission accomplished. But it seems more like laziness and bad planning.
  • Putting boobs on the woman is sexist.
  • Wow. Just wow. I don’t even know where to start. So the man and his buddy the rib-thing have dominion over everything. They’re going to get pretty unbearable really fast. What You need to do is make them think that there were other, bigger, scarier creatures around a long time before them. I suggest dinosaurs. No need to actually create dinosaurs—just create some weird-ass dinosaur bones and skeletons and bury them in random locations. Man will dig them up eventually and think, What the f?
  • Epic fail.
  •  Meh. 


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7 thoughts on “God’s Blog

  1. Yeah, the rib-thing buddy was a cool idea, and the boobs feature is some how very comforting!! I’ll take it all as presented and try to use it as He intended.

    Are we really vertically symmetrical? I tried parting my hair right down the middle and looked too much like Charlie Sheen, too scary!!!

  2. Oughten You to have created more weekends and eliminated Mondays entirely? And You really let the weather get away from You, what with tsunamis and tornadoes all over the place. Cheech…

    1. Nice! Why not talk back to God! That way S/he knows we’re paying attention (though it didn’t get Job very far. Remember the answer he got? “Gird up now thy loins like a man, for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me: Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? Declare, if thou hast understanding.”) That shut the poor guy up!

  3. Saint Augustine couldn’t do it. But can you explain what kind of fruit Adam and Eve ate in the story? After thousands of years it’s time to think, read, and give the real explanation based only on the facts in the story. No guesses, opinions, or beliefs. We’ve already had way too many of these. Treat the whole thing as a challenge. You can do it! Or can you? But first, do a quick Internet search: First Scandal.

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